The Surrogacy Trap Review
Actual DirectTV Synopsis
Christy and Mitch use a surrogate mother in hope of creating the perfect family. Their hopes are quickly shaken when they discover the young woman they chose may not be as perfect as they first thought.
WML Guess Synopsis
A husband and wife who can’t conceive set up a net to catch a woman hiking in the forrest so they can force her to be the surrogate of their child.
Level of Attention While Watching: With Wife, but Thinking of Mistress
With Wife, but Thinking of Mistress: Watching the movie, but not giving it my full attention
Cheating Bastard: I wasn’t paying much attention to the movie at all
The B Listers
If you’re a fan of Flight of the Conchords, then you’ll probably recognize Blanchard as she played Sally who dated both Jermaine and Bret. That being said, if you watch Lifetime movies, you’ve probably never seen FOTC.
To me, Mia is known for being the incestuous older sister in Not Another Teen Movie. She’s definitely been in a few other things, including The L Word, which I hear is/was a pretty popular show.
The C Lister
This guy looks like he has a solid resume on IMDb. He’s also in another new Lifetime movie called Twist of Faith, in which he stars along side Toni Braxton.
I tuned in 30 minutes late to The Surrogacy Trap, but I think I got the just of it. Mitch (David Julian Hirsh) and his wife, Christy (Mia Kirshner), want to start a family, but Christy is unable to have children so they hire Mallory to be the surrogate mom. Little do they know that Mallory (Rachel Blanchard) is also a complete psycho, more on that later.
While Mallory is carrying Mitch and Christy’s baby, she starts doing crazy things, such as coming on to Mitch and trying to get Christy out of the picture – typical plot of a Lifetime movie, of course. Christy is actually uncomfortable with Mallory because Mitch had a one-time affair with a lady much worse-looking than Christy and views Mallory as a threat and doesn’t fully trust Mitch either. Mallory also tells people that it’s her baby she’s carrying and doesn’t ever mention she’s a surrogate mom.
When Christy has a baby shower, one of the Christy’s friends discovers that Mallory is the surrogate mom and calls Mallory out on it since Mallory is also in a yoga class with the friend and tells her it’s her baby and she’s not a surrogate mom.
Mallory finally goes off the deep end (That is a phrase, correct? And that is the correct use of that phrase, correct?) and is acting all psycho in Mitch’s huge Chicago suburban house while threatening to get rid of the baby or have it and run away, can’t quite remember that detail. As Mallory is running out of the house, her water breaks and she then had the kid in a nearby hospital.
After Mallory gives labor, Mitch and Christy immediately take the baby away from her and she goes psycho. I think they had an agreement that Mallory wouldn’t ever see the baby after having it and apparently Mallory wasn’t too high on that end of the deal at the time. Had she been high on that idea, the movie probably would have been 1.5 hours instead of 2 (including commercials).
Of course the movie doesn’t end there and instead Mallory is somehow able to get to the baby at the hospital but not much happens with that.
As Mitch and Mallory are living happily ever after with a new thoroughly tested and interviewed nanny, Mallory is still devising a plan to get Mitch and the baby in her life. She meets with a lawyer and he says that she can have the baby if she’s able to get Mitch to divorce Christy and marry her. This is what Mallory wants considering she has Photoshopped photos of her and Mitch getting married at her place, nope, not at all psycho…
Mallory sees her chance to strike and take the baby for good when the nanny’s car brakes down and then Christy is forced to take the baby to work. As Christy pulls into a parking garage and terribly parks (see picture), her assistant comes out to grab a bag from her, leaving Christy all alone in the parking garage. How often have we seen bad stuff, besides parking jobs (more on this below), happen in movie scenes that take place in a parking garage? So you guessed it, Mallory comes by and drugs Christy and then steals the baby.
While Mallory has the baby kidnapped, Mitch gets a call from his ex-lover woman, Jessica, and Jessica has some news for Mitch. Right now you’re probably guessing she’s pregnant, but that’s not the case. Since Christy doesn’t trust Mitch to go over there, she goes over there instead and Jessica delivers news that she kind of knows Mallory. Apparently Mallory was once dating someone Jessica knew and wanted to have a kid, but he didn’t. Mallory then found out that Mitch, remember Jessica’s ex-lover, wanted a kid, but his wife, Christy, couldn’t. Mallory then got obsessed with Mitch and wanted to have his baby and be a family with him. I know a lot of that probably doesn’t make sense, but I’m not willing to go back and re-watch that part just to clear up the details.
From there, Christy and Mitch devise a plan with the help of law enforcement that will make it seem like Mitch wants to be with Mallory in order to get the location of the baby. So while Christy and Mitch’s house is filled with a ton of cops, they all leave with Mitch to go to Mallory’s location. What other movie have we seen where all cops are called to a central location in order to let a bad guy get away with something? Oh, that’s right, The Dark Knight Rises and Die Hard with a Vengeance, didn’t turn out too well. When Mitch blatantly arrives with an entire SWAT force at Mallory’s motel room off the interstate, Mallory is busy going over to Christy’s house in order to get revenge on Christy. Before we get to that, let’s go back to Mitch’s arrival at the motel, he gets there and parks right in front of Mallory’s room with several law enforcement people. Even if Mallory were in that room, she’d easily be able to recognize the police woman in the car Mitch keeps staring at, which is right outside her peephole.
Okay, so now back to the house where Christy is all alone. She hears a subtle baby cry so goes rushing downstairs and outside only to find a baby monitor with the sound of her son. She then goes inside where Mallory awaits, then BAM! Mallory Shane Stants Christy with a wooden baseball bat.
Christy and Mallory then wrestle it out a bit and when Christy is down, Mallory gets a big knife and is going to end Christy for good, but then she hears the baby and stops and then Christy wakes up and takes two fists and knocks Mallory down. Christy then runs upstairs because she watches a lot of horror movies and that’s what girls do when running away from the bad people, they go upstairs… The girl fight continues with a couple pins against the wall until Christy is finally able to throw Mallory over the edge where Mallory lands on her back on a glass table in the lower part of the house, which is also how Beyonce kills the Ali Larter in Obsessed. Only in this movie, Mallory dies upon impact of the table, which I don’t really believe… the fall wasn’t that far and it wasn’t like glass went piercing through her body.
The movie then flashes to the kid’s 1st birthday and Christy is somehow pregnant with their 2nd child and one of those soft romantic songs plays in the background.
An Ode to Mallory
I call this, “The Most Beautiful Girl (in this Lifetime Movie)”
Looking ’round the movie… I can tell that Mallory… you are definitely the most beautiful girl… in the movie… in the whole wide movie.
And when she’s in another Lifetime movie… depending on the movie… I bet she is definitely in the top three… good looking girls in the Lifetime movie… depending on the Lifetime movie…
And when I saw her in another Lifetime movie… I thought… what… is… she… doin’… in another Lifetime movie… how did the director get a hottie like that in a movie like this… good on director man! Oooooh, you’re a legend director man!
*This ode samples “The Most Beautiful Girl (in the Room)”
Brutal Parking Job
As mentioned above, when Christy enters the parking garage to go to work with her new baby, she, of course, needs to park. However, she parks terribly. Check out the photo below (I’ve highlighted the paint lines) to see how Christy takes up multiple spaces in the garage, absolutely no consideration at all. I also can’t believe her assistant, who came out to help her, didn’t say anything to her. I don’t care if you’re my boss, I’ll call you out if you do an inconsiderate parking job. I see this happen often with large cars parking on the line in compact spaces, still inconsiderate, but slightly more understandable than parking your Prius in multiple spots.
Other Possible Titles
- The Most Beautiful Pregnant Girl in the Movie
- Psycho Surrogate or Surrogate Psycho
- Don’t Tell Mom the Surrogate is Psycho
Considering I did decide to watch this movie instead of an NBA game, that’s saying something. I think I just wanted to see Rachel Blanchard as something other than Sally from Flight of the Conchords.
Editor note: When I originally published this review, I left out the parking job analysis.