Jul 16, 2011

Posted by in Reviews, The 2010s | 0 Comments

Borderline Murder Review

Actual DirecTV Synopsis

A woman discovers an illegal network of plastic-surgery centers.

WML Guess Synopsis

A person dies on the border of Mexico – don’t make long plans as the movie is only 20 minutes.

Level of Attention While Watching: Devoted Husband

Devoted Husband: Was giving the movie 100% of my attention

With Wife, but Thinking of Mistress: Watching the movie, but not giving it my full attention

Cheating Bastard: I wasn’t paying much attention to the movie at all

The Movie Play by Play

Instead of me taking notes and then writing up a long recap of the movie, I decided to try something new with Borderline Murder – I watched the movie and made comments as I watched it.  If you happened to DVR the movie on DirecTV, then the times I provided should match up about right with my play by play.

0:00 Movie opens with the classic flashing of stuff going on and you have no idea what’s happening but it’s suspenseful, much like 30% of other Lifetime movies.

0:01 Ope desert scene, no one in sight.  Cheap older truck pulls up, what does the dude have?  A body in a bag!!!  This is starting off with a bang.  He has a shovel as well, I like the direction of this movie.  The bag just moved… creepy.  Dude sees it but keeps digging.  Bag moves again and SNAPS!  He slams his shovel into the bag, then drops the bag in the nicely dug hole that was already there and gets the heck out of there before anyone sees him.  Little does he know millions of people watching this movie just saw what he did!

0:02 BORDERLINE MURDER

Brooke Burns as Abbey in Borderline Murder

Brooke Burns

0:03 Girl (Brooke Burns) taking an exam and filling out answers on a bubble form, how I don’t miss those.  After the exam it’s time to meet up with some lady friends to talk about how hard the exam was.  I’m not sure I ever really went out after an exam and started drinking, happens in the movies a lot though.

Alexandra Lydon as Halie in Borderline Murder

Alexandra Lydon

0:04 Mother calls exam-taker-woman crying with bad news about Halie (Alexandra Lydon).  Mom wants the exam taker to stop over and its clear her voice is broken up yet the drinker would rather drink at the bar!

0:06 Drinker woman goes to visit her mom to talk about Halie.  It looks like this movie is taking the “sister who parties and can easily show up missing at any time route” – not a bad route to take, especially if it uncovers a secret underground plastic surgery ring.

0:06 I-35 in south Texas is shown!  I’ve been on that road before, I feel moderately cool right now.

0:07 A Spanish doctor, who I assume is evil, looks to be inserting silicone into skin, but we see no nipple, bummer.

0:08 Girl goes to her sister Halie’s apartment to do some detective work.  I think the girl’s name is Abbey.  Abbey finds a pink wig in Halie’s apartment and kind of questions it, is it weird to own a pink wig?  Abbey does the classic pick up a picture and then reminisce about the person I’m looking for move.

0:10 The flashback while Abbey looks at the picture is a big fight going on between mom, Halie, and Abbey.  Halie uses a “Choke on it line” – I thought this movie was set in 2011, not 1995.

Reminiscing in Borderline Murder

Always have to reminisce when picking up an old picture of someone you're looking for.

0:11 Back to the apartment – Oh look, it’s an answering machine, let’s listen to the messages… oh snaps, creepy woman at the door, she’s the building manager wondering where Halie is.  Not a very nice lady either.  Someone across the complex looks through their blinds and Abbey sees them.  After the building manager leaves she makes a phone call to someone notifying them that the sister (in this case Abbey) is there.

David Moscow as the deputy in Borderline Murder

David Moscow

0:15 Abbey gets a hold of “an old friend”- Tim (Moscow) – who is a deputy and they talk about Halie at a diner.  I love how people always have “old friends” in various cities in these places.  Looks like Abbey’s exam was the bar exam, I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t look all that hard to pass that.

Clean cut bar tender at strip club

I expected a strip club bartender in deep southern Texas to look hairier, creepier, and smellier than this.

0:17 Abbey hits up a strip club, awwww yeah, now the action is getting started.  Wait, I’m disappointed after I remember this is a Lifetime movie and not a Cinemax movie.  Abbey speaks to the creepy ass, yet good looking and clean looking bar tender.  Pretty sure that’s not what a real bar tender at a strip club in south Texas looks like.

0:23 Oh wow, so nice of Abbey to clean up Halie’s apartment while she stays there looking for her.  That’s exactly what my wife would do with her sisters if one of them went missing in an illegal plastic surgery ring and I’m not joking, she’s much cleaner than her sisters.

0:24 As Abbey is cleaning up Halie’s dresser, a bra falls to the floor (actually it was just a random piece of clothing, but bra is more exciting to type) and then Abbey gets down on all fours and checks it out then sees an envelope with the name “Michael” on it taped to the bottom of the dresser.  In the envelope is a bunch of random papers and a business card I think, but since I was typing this, I missed out on some of the details, thanks!

0:27 FAKE SEARCH ENGINE ALERT!  It’s clearly Google but I have no clue what they’re trying to make it be.

Fake Search Engine in Borderline Murder

This certainly looks like Google to me, just disguised a bit. We'll call it - "Lost & Find"

0:27 Back to the strip club, awwww yeah again.  Wait wait, channel is still LMN, bastards got me again.  A businessman is talking to a guy who wants to be a girl about getting some work done.  That part is played by the guy who would have become the next Michael Clark Duncan had Michael Clark Duncan never became Michael Clark Duncan.

0:29 A preview for Lifetime’s newest original series – “The Protector” – ooohhh looks like Spanish from “Old School” is in it, I’m still not watching.

0:30 A commercial about some anti age product.  Very good move by that company to advertise during a plastic surgery movie.

0:32 Wow, now it’s a prescription eye lash growing product with Claire Danes (not to be confused with Claire Dames who appears to be a porn star as I “accidentally” typed an “m” instead of “n” in “Danes” – I swear) as the spokes model.  Short eye lashes really that big of an issue to women?

George Stults as Michael in Borderline Murder

George Stults

0:34 Some dude is now digging around Halie’s apartment while Abbey is gone.  Pretty sure this is Michael (Stults).  He also followed Abbey to the strip club I think.  Uh oh, as he looks around, someone walks by, they’re trying to get in… SUSPENSE!  Looks like it’s the building manager, will someone die here?  Michael looks quite panicked about it.  Eff, he makes a noise while he’s hiding from her, what is this a cheesy scary movie?  The building manager knows something is up and pulls out her Desert Eagle gun.  Okay, so she doesn’t have a Desert Eagle.

Backwards flag costume

Maybe they shot the movie in a mirror the entire time?

0:38 Abbey is talking to her cop friend and I notice that his American Flag badge is backwards on is uniform (see left).  Probably one of the cheapest looking cop/Sheriff costumes I’ve ever seen.  8 year olds have better costumes than that.  As soon as Abby leaves, cop man pulls out his phone and calls someone, he is now what I like to call “a suspicious character.”

0:40 Abbey finds Michael entering his apartment and then approaches him, he drops his stuff and takes off running like a little girl and then can’t climb over a wall as Abbey approaches him.  To add to his girliness, he pulls out pepper spray.

0:44 A Dish Network vs. DirecTV commercial, too bad DirecTV doesn’t mention how it doesn’t have LMN HD!

0:44 A trailer for “Soul Surfer” – which is about the girl who got her arm bitten off while surfing.  I stood next to her in line at the airport in Kauai once, not to brag.

0:45 Michael and Abbey talk at a diner and Michael flashes back to when Halie was a stripper and he’d talk to her.  Michael is a reporter trying to undercover some stuff he’s heard about women going across the boarder for cheap plastic surgery.

0:50 The evil doctor looks to be Dr. Sparks – probably one of the least evil doctor names you can think of.

0:51 Michael has some nice hair.

0:52 Michael takes Abbey to talk to some older woman and this older woman starts opening up on her surgeries in Mexico.  The old lady starts getting all deep talking about her hubby dying and how she almost died from the surgeries.  Uh oh… she busts out the scars from the surgery put your shirt back down lady!  Oooohhh she wants the surgeons to pay for what they did to her, I smell murder later on in the movie…

0:55 Abbey wants to go to Mexico and look for her sister.  She doesn’t care who goes with her, she just needs to go.  What’s wrong with talking to the police now?

0:55 A car drives to run over Abbey as she gets in her car, luckily she rolls across the hood of her car and avoids it, she’s a bad ass.  Has a little bit of Linda Hamilton Terminator 2 Sarah Connor in her.

1:00 A Phil Mickelson commercial about some prescription medication… I don’t think a lot of women who watch Lifetime know who he is.  In fact, you might have just Googled him.

1:01 Abbey returns to Halie’s apartment to find it’s been destroyed, we’ve all seen this before.  Whoever did this is sending a message.  Uh oh, someone might still be in the apartment, it’ll probably just be a cat or something.

Jacqueline Pinol as Jennie in Borderline Murder

Jacqueline Pinol

1:02 INCORRECT on the cat, it’s instead Jenie (Jacqueline Pinol), who is Halie’s friend.  She lives across the complex and was the one looking through the blinds.

1:04 Cop friend comes barging in with guns a blazing, would have been cool have he accidentally shot Jenie.  After cop friend leaves he tells the building manager lady to “be more careful” and then introduces her to the back of his hand while letting her know she can be replaced.  Remember earlier when I said he was a suspicious character?  I was right!

1:09 Abbey and Michael head down to Mexico together… what do they plan to do while they’re there?  Just head in and ask for Halie back?  No guns, no backup or anything, realistically this shouldn’t end well for them, but I’m pretty sure they’ll come out fine.

1:11 Just as Abbey is giving up hope on finding Halie and Michael starts giving some terrible monologue about “giving up hope” some cops show up to end that crap, thank you cops!  For some reason the cops want to take Abbey and Michael in without really letting them know why.  Of course these cops can’t be corrupt at all though.

1:13 A commercial for Angie’s List, is that just like Craig’s List but from a woman’s perspective?  More male prostitutes then?

1:18 As Abbey and Michael sit in a jail cell together in Mexico, Michael states the obvious to Abbey with a great line – “This is bad.”  Oh really Michael?  Is it?

1:20 Cop friend, Tim, shows up and gets them out.  As I look at Tim’s IMDb, he was in “Big” – he was Young Tom Hanks, that’s just awesome.  TMZ even has him on their “Memba Him?” section.

1:22 Abbey talks Jenie into looking for information on the plastic surgery.  The next scene is Jenie walking around the strip club and although I guess she could lose a little she looks pretty good.  I find it hard to believe a strip club in deep Texas has such good looking girls working there.  Nothing below an 8 that I’ve seen thus far.

Hot Jennie in Borderline Murder

Does it look like Jennie really needs plastic surgery to you? Didn't think so.

1:24 Abbey is going to use the information Jenie gathered about the illegal plastic surgery and go get some for her self while Jenie gets out of town.  Michael chimes in with some positives as Abbey starts looking worried.  They need to hook up, then I’d respect Michael.

1:32 Abbey gets on the bus to head down there and Michael follows them.  I kind of hope Michael is working for the bad guys at this point.

1:33 A big yellow bus shows up to the check point in Mexico full of women and gets through in a few minutes – No, I don’t see anything wrong with that at all.

1:37 The bus arrives at the compound and it looks like there’s a man on the bus who wants to get some surgery done.  I respect him less than Michael.

1:46 Abbey is now in the compound and wandering the halls when someone finds her and she asks to know where a bathroom is and then some big dudes come and take care of her in the halls and she fights back.  This is where it’d be nice for her to have Arnold come out of the elevator and state – “Come with me if you want to live.”

1:49 Abbey is now locked up in a utility closet and she has to channel her inner-MacGyver to find a way out.  She busts a hole in the wall, then gets the door unlocked.  Oh it looks like she’s locked up with that kid from the intro who was burying bodies.

1:50 While looking out the window she sees Tim show up and gets excited only to feel betrayed after she realizes he’s working with the bad guys.

1:52 Abbey breaks out of the room and then has a terrible plan for self-defense as she just throws a tray at some guys and then runs out to Tim who has a gun and then his buddies have guns.  Terrible idea on her part, no clue what she was thinking.

1:53 Abbey now has a gun against her head and she’s on her knees about to die… then the real Mexico cops show up and save the day, so they weren’t bad after all.

1:55 Abbey finds out Halie was a patient and died at the table.  The young Spanish boy who buried her then takes Abbey to the body, but there is no body!  So of course that means Halie might have gotten out alive right!

1:57 WRONG!  She did crawl out of the bag but then died as she crawled about 20 feet – just a lesson to all the kids… it gets hot in the desert.

1:59 The movie ends with a message urging people to think twice about getting plastic surgery outside of the US so the movie does serve a pretty good purpose.  This is a good time for me to chime in to all the ladies thinking of getting plastic surgery.  If you think you need it, then send a picture my way and tell me what you want to get done, I’ll give you an honest answer on whether you need it or not.  For example, had Jenie from the movie e-mailed me, I would have been blunt with her, totally unnecessary for her to get it.  Also, if you’re going to get liposuction, then don’t, just start exercising and eating right.

Closing Thoughts

While I didn’t love this movie, I certainly didn’t hate it.  I always enjoy the illegal rings of whatever sort – drug rings, plastic surgery, organ selling – they always make for some decent story lines.

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