Made Up LMN Movies from… Song Names Vol. 1
In my last Made Up Movies column, I made up movies from song lyrics. This time I’m taking the title of a song and adding a story to it.
“She Loves Her” by Too $hort
This one is too easy. Just like a big fat juicy fastball thrown over the middle of the plate to Albert Pujols. First let me discuss the song title – “She Loves Her.” Let that digest for a minute. It’s a very creative rap song by The Godfather of pimpin’ music Too $hort. As the song suggests, it’s about woman on woman action and kind of exploring places a typical woman has never gone before with another woman, now let’s expand this to make it a LMN movie.
Heather Locklear is the first name that jumps to mind when I think of a movie like this. After watching “Ties That Bind,” Sonya Salomaa comes to mind as being the other woman. Locklear will be the hard working lawyer who’s been married for years and has kids but there’s not much spice in her life. Salomaa can be the assistant to Locklear while they work on a case that requires long hours and late nights. Salomaa plays for either team but Locklear doesn’t really know this but one evening after a long night at the office they go out for a few drinks afterwards, but a few leads to many. Locklear ends up staying at Salomaa’s apartment, but it’s a studio and there’s only one bed, then the fooling around begins.
Surprisingly Locklear doesn’t wake up with regrets even though Salomaa is worried it might end her career working with Locklear. The two ladies begin to see each other on a regular basis while Locklear is hiding it from her husband and children and Locklear soon falls in love with Salomaa.
This movie could end multiple ways, let me give you the options:
- Salomaa doesn’t want a long term relationship and kills Locklear
- Locklear’s husband finds out and kills Locklear and/or Salomaa
- Locklear and Salomaa are both in love with each other and run away leaving the husband with the children
“Take My Breath Away” by Berlin
This is one of those movies where the title will have double meaning. Although the main woman in the movie will be the dream woman of the man in the movie, that same man will also be the man who covers her head with a plastic bag. Let me expand on why he does it.
You know who could probably pull off the role of not great looking, but not bad looking, but very awkward? James Van Der Beek. He’ll be named Lester and be the main star of the movie. The female in the movie will be named Ashley or Amanda, something along those lines and played by Jewel Staite. Lester will work in the same office as Ashley but be just the mail boy so no one really talks to him but every now and then Ashley smiles at him and is just nice. Lester starts to get a big crush on her and finally asks her out but she kind fully denies him.
Since Lester has such low confidence and self esteem, he doesn’t want to go back to the office where Ashley works and he quits his job, but this doesn’t end his huge obsession with her. He begins stalking her and taking pictures of her. Eventually he waits outside the office for her and follows her home and then he kidnaps her. After he kidnaps her, he has her tied up in a room and tells her how much he loves her and shows her all the pictures and love notes he has written to her.
Ashley knows she’ll probably end up getting killed by the psycho maniac Lester so she tries to escape when he falls asleep but he doesn’t allow that to happen and has no choice but to kill her, so he does it by putting a plastic bag over her head which in fact… takes her breath away.
“Rumors” by Keith Sweat
Since my last two movie ideas have been about murder and you’re probably beginning to wonder my mental stability, how about we make this one not about murder? Sounds good.
I’ll have this movie revolve around a black couple but the girl, Shanna, is running around on her guy, LeRoy, only LeRoy doesn’t know this until about mid way through the movie. Now I bet you’re asking, “Keith, I thought you said you weren’t going to have murder in this one, how does LeRoy NOT kill Shanna after he finds out she’s cheating on him?” Well LeRoy is mentally stable and is a religious good man and has a everything-happens-for-a-reason philosophy on life so he doesn’t do what a lot of men in LMN movies would do, which is kill the other person.
LeRoy instead just gathers evidence of Shanna’s affair and then confronts her and makes her feel really bad about herself and then just walks away from her Craig David style. Shanna feels so bad and wants a second chance and begs for forgiveness from LeRoy, but LeRoy saw all the pain he was put through and just keeps on walking away.
Shanna is unable to get a serious boyfriend after LeRoy leaves her, but that doesn’t mean she’s unable of contracting AIDS from all the affairs she had while LeRoy instead finds a wife and gets married so he gets the last laugh.
“By Your Side” by Sade
Okay, back to murder, well not so much murder, but just a killing out of love. “By Your Side” will center around a middle aged couple – Steve and Cindy – married for about 10… 15 years and have a couple kids together. Steve develops a rare cancer but it is curable but requires a lot of long term painful treatment and neither Steve’s nor Cindy’s life would ever be the same again. Just to get rid of the cancer is a long, painful, and expensive treatment. As a side note, I’m not sure if this type of cancer exists and it doesn’t necessarily have to be cancer, it could be some other type of deadly disease as well.
This movie will go back to a lot of flash backs of Steve and Cindy and the lives they’ve led. It’ll show the time they met in college and studying together and then getting married and having children. As a viewer you’ll really be drawn into their lives and feel real deep about them. Towards the end of the movie Steve and Cindy will have a deep conversation about pulling the plug and lots of tears will be shed but Steve will decide the family is better off if he dies and Cindy will somehow agree with him. Cindy and the kids won’t have to take care of his ailing body and he won’t be such a burden to the family financially so the kids can go to college and be raised right.
There’s a twist however – Cindy can’t just pull the plug on Steve as that would be murder so she has to be real sneaky about it and break into the hospital and get past the nurse guards and then tell her husband, “Good bye,” and then pulling the plug and getting out of there before being caught.
The hospital is never able to fully explain what happened and Cindy gets some money out of it and then the family has a decent life afterwards even though Steve is no longer with them. You’ll be crying as the credits roll and Sade’s “By Your Side” is playing.
“Dinner with Delores” by Prince
No way Lifetime could ever actually use this title as I’m pretty sure Prince would find a way to sue them, in fact, I’m a little scared to even write a made up movie using this title as Prince has a way of knowing what’s going on with anything involving his songs. To top off this round of made up movies I’ll end it with a feel good comedy about a woman named Delores, but I have a couple different ideas, want me to run them by you? Oh okay, read below:
Delores is a young decent-looking single working woman in New York City. She’ll be played by an uglied up Andrea Roth. She has plenty of girlfriends who are either married or seriously dating, but she’s the one out of the group that just can’t keep a boyfriend and rarely gets called back from her dates. This version of “Dinner with Delores” will center around a lot of girl talk and situations that leave you understanding why she’s still single. For example, she’ll go out to dinner with a good looking guy and then just as things are going well, she’ll begin talking marriage and children which will just totally ruin the night for the guy and he’ll give her the old, “I’ll give you a call sometime this week…” line but it never really happens.
One other instance where she’s a big turn off is when she goes out to dinner with a guy and orders a TON of food which racks up the bill, but at least she eats it all and really turns her date off at the same time. Eventually Delores finds the right man for herself though as she is stood up at dinner and so is another guy, so instead of going home and crying to themselves about how they’re single and no one likes them, they have a lovely dinner and then really kick if off, then Delores is no longer the single woman of the bunch.
This idea of “Dinner with Delores” is about a radio host who has a show called “Dinner with Delores” where she’ll talk about dating and love stuff while playing Delilah like radio programming. Once again, she’ll be played by an uglied up Andrea Roth, but you know with a little work she can be smokin’ hot. I guess you could almost consider this a super hero movie as Delores will have that unique ability to pick out a song to describe a situation when a caller calls in and talks about how the father of her children left her and she met this new guy who she really loves and then all of a sudden Delilah picks out a song that fits the situation exactly and you’re like, “Dang, how’s she do that!?” (I can’t be the only one who considers Delilah a super hero… oh I am?) Back to Delores, although she talks about dating and loving, she’s single herself, but she’s been in plenty of relationships and was even married once until her husband was cheating on her with the local traffic woman from a TV station.
Delores has a few regular callers, but one of them, Jacob in Syracuse played by Dylan Neal, seems to be a real good guy who also lost his wife because she cheated on him with someone from a bigger more popular industry with a brighter future. Then one day when Delores is out buying a coffee at the local coffee shop and then reading the paper afterwards outside on the streets like everyone seems to do in the movies, she’ll hear a familiar voice of Dylan. She’ll then ask him if it’s him and she’ll see he’s very good looking and just a great guy who is spending the day with his children then he’ll ask her out.
The rest of the movie will be on them building a relationship and Delores will be talking about it on the radio and then callers will call in telling them how happy they are for her.
I could probably sneak murder into both of these ideas, but I’ll save that for the next Made Up Movies column where I make up LMN movies from professional sports team names.